by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve got a huge crush on a guy I work with. I think he’s interested in me too because whenever we talk, our conversations are very flirty and we email and IM about random funny stuff throughout the day. I’ve told a couple of friends about my crush and they’re split 50/50 on whether or not I should pursue something with him since we work together. My argument is that I spend so much time at work, where else am I going to meet people? Besides, if you go on a date with someone, you only get to see their “date” personality, not what he’s really like. This guy seems to be the full package: hot, smart, funny, nice, and of course, gainfully employed. What do you guys think?—EM

    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
 
I have several suggestions, yet I wonder how ready you are to hear them.

If you want to continue your office flirtation, here are a few points to consider: Can you handle working in the same space with him if things go sour? Has he been involved in office romances before? Can you withstand all the office gossip and co-workers knowing the intimate details of your dates? If you’re serious about being a professional, you won’t go far in your company if the word in the office is you did “xyz” in bed with so-and-so last night.

It is a plus that you’ve gone beyond his “date personality”—but you only know his “office personality.” And I don’t know about you, but I’m quite different at home than I am at work. You really have no idea who this guy is outside the office. In fact, all you know for sure is that he’s a good flirter and is gainfully employed.

EM, you need to have a life outside of work. If you have nothing going on outside of the office, you’re not only limiting your dating pool, you’re limiting your life. If you want to meet interesting guys, you have to have passions and interests of your own. So join a belly dancing class, learn to knit, take an exercise class. It doesn’t really matter what you do; simply choose something that catches your interest. Once you are engaged in life, you will meet engaging men.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve got a huge crush on a guy I work with. I think he’s interested in me too because whenever we talk, our conversations are very flirty and we email and IM about random funny stuff throughout the day. I’ve told a couple of friends about my crush and they’re split 50/50 on whether or not I should pursue something with him since we work together. My argument is that I spend so much time at work, where else am I going to meet people? Besides, if you go on a date with someone, you only get to see their “date” personality, not what he’s really like. This guy seems to be the full package: hot, smart, funny, nice, and of course, gainfully employed. What do you guys think?—EM

    The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
 
My hair stylist was recently telling me about an inner-salon love affair that had gone wrong and she said something very wise, which you’ve probably heard before: never shit where you eat, EM.

I understand that it’s hard to meet people. I have no idea how old you are, but I can tell you that meeting people definitely becomes harder as you get older. People start pairing off like Noah’s Ark and all of a sudden, your number of potential mates is dramatically lower—and those hunky coworkers start to look good.

But allow me to get a little Miss Cleo on you and predict a couple of potential disastrous and uncomfortable futures.

1) You date. You break up. Then one day you see him in the kitchen spreading cream cheese on his bagel and you wonder why he never gave you (or your breasts) the same loving care and attention to detail. You talk incessantly about his shortcomings as a human being and lover to any coworker who will listen. You gain fifteen pounds and become known as Bitter Office Girl Who Dated the Guy in Engineering.

2) You date. You break up. He dates someone else and brings her to your holiday party. You get drunk and do a disastrous karaoke rendition of “I Hate Myself for Lovin’ You,” then inappropriately grope your assistant. HR puts you on probation.

3) You date. You break up. He becomes your boss. Or you become his. Awkward.

4) You date. But you don’t break up—oh no, you get married, EM. WTF??! This might be the worst possible case scenario because then you never get a break from him. Until you get divorced. And guess what? You still work together even then! What fun!

Work should be a place where you can focus on work and not have to deal with the insecurities that dating often brings. There are plenty of other “full packages” walking around out there; they just may be less readily apparent than your hot coworker’s package.

Check in tomorrow to read the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve got a huge crush on a guy I work with. I think he’s interested in me too because whenever we talk, our conversations are very flirty and we email and IM about random funny stuff throughout the day. I’ve told a couple of friends about my crush and they’re split 50/50 on whether or not I should pursue something with him since we work together. My argument is that I spend so much time at work, where else am I going to meet people? Besides, if you go on a date with someone, you only get to see their “date” personality, not what he’s really like. This guy seems to be the full package: hot, smart, funny, nice, and of course, gainfully employed. What do you guys think?—EM

    The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
 
I think you hit the nail on the head, EM—you don’t even need our opinion on this one. As you said, you spend the majority of your waking hours at work right now so it only makes sense that you’d meet someone there with whom you have something in common. Chance are, you have more conversation there than you do anywhere else in your life and you’re surrounded by people that share the same interests. In your friends’ defense, an office romance is taboo if it doesn’t work out and if one of you has to leave to avoid an awkward situation. But hell, what if it does work out? Start a company together and stop working for The Man! Come on, you know you’ve thought about it already.

As I see it, you have a few options:

Plan A) Find out where he goes after work to play and figure out a situation where you can show up and not be perceived as a stalker. (Note: avoid the trench coat and dark glasses with floppy hat look.) You can always play it off as “Oh, I forgot you were going to be here, too” and see what he’s like outside of the office.

Plan B) Go grab coffee together while you’re on a break from work to get to know him a little more. No harm, no foul.

Plan C) Have sex with him in the supply room while no one is looking and get it out of your system.

Whichever plan you choose, you’ll do the right thing if you go with your gut.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH

    The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
 
The questions that start, “He’s perfect in every way but this one thing …” are always troublesome. That’s a pretty big but. That’s a J. Lo butt-but.

Can you change that one thing? I don’t think so. If family is important to you as you say, then this guy is not your future husband. He can still be fantastic, but he can’t be your husband. That’s hard to hear because you’ve built him up during these six months to be everything you’ve ever imagined. But now reality is rearing its he-doesn’t-want-to-have-kids head.

You can stay with this fantastic guy and continue to progress your relationship to the point where you get married, but only if you’re willing to not have kids. That’s what you have to decide. Can you deal with not having kids with this man?

Will he change his mind once he’s married and he gets older? Maybe. Should you stake the rest of your life and marriage on that maybe? I wouldn’t. Do you want to talk him into something he doesn’t really want to do? I wouldn’t. Do you want to raise kids in that environment? I wouldn’t.

You say you’ve always wanted kids. Now that you’ve told him that, he may start acting not so “fantastic” since he knows that you two may not be compatible. And you may start to feel less affinity for him knowing where he stands on this. Such is the process of relationships.

Since you’ve never really had a solid, loving relationship, I know that you may start to feel a bit hopeless here. I’m an optimist and believe you can have a solid, loving relationship with someone who wants kids. Most likely with someone other than this guy. You need to find a man who wants to be a Mr. Fantastic Husband and Father.

Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH

    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
 
Congratulations on finding and co-creating a solid and loving relationship. It takes two, my dear, to make it work, so give yourself credit here too.

I’m not sure how in-depth your conversation was when you were discussing children, but here are some questions I hope you covered. Are you sure this is a firm 100 percent NO on his part? Did he say that having children is a deal breaker for him? Have you told him that having children is a big part of your heart? Does he get how essential this is for you? Is he open to adoption or foster children? What goals and dreams does he have? Do they fall in line with your own visions for yourself and your partner?

You say that you would be devastated to lose him. Would feelings that are equally intense come up for you if you made the choice to not have/raise children? Which one of these scenarios creates a bigger ache in your gut?

I’m glad you feel on solid and loving ground with him, but how long will you be on solid and loving ground with yourself if you don’t fulfill your strong desire to have a family? And you certainly can’t do that with a guy who is not supportive or involved in that dream.

I haven’t been in your situation, but I would imagine that if having kids was my burning desire, then I don’t think I could let that go, even for the right partner. And that’s the question I’m posing to you, CH. Live in the questions for a while and you will find what you need.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH

    The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
 
Everybody has their deal breakers. Bridget Jones tried to weed out alcoholics, workoholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobes, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, and perverts, just to name a few. But sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes you find a genuine non-fuckwit, dreamboat Mark Darcy-type that you just can’t find common ground with on something that means absolutely everything to you. And then what?

You don’t say whether not having kids is a deal breaker for you. Is it? Have you ever sat down and really thought about the path your life would take if you didn’t have a family? Will you be able to handle it when your friends called to tell you they’re pregnant? Will you be jealous? Resentful? Or will you be able to find enough joy in spending time with other people’s children that you can move past all that? Is your relationship with this man fulfilling enough to make you give up that dream of having a family?

If not, you should end it with him. The sooner the better, because the longer this relationship goes on, the deeper your ties to him will be, making it harder and harder to end. But more importantly, the longer you’re with him, the longer you delay getting back into the dating world to find someone who does want a family.

As much as we sometimes want to, we can’t change other people. We’re only in control of our lives and our actions. Think hard about what you can’t live without and take control of your life accordingly. There’s someone out there who wants all the same things as you; I’m just not sure it’s the man you’re with now.

Check in tomorrow to read the gay woman's perspective by Jody Fischer.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for the past six months. We’re just now starting to have the “state of the relationship” talks where we discuss our potential future together. During one of our recent conversations, I found out that he doesn’t want to have kids. I’m crushed. I’ve always wanted kids, but this guy is incredible; he has every quality I want in a partner (except the desire for a family) and I’ve never had such a solid, loving relationship with anyone else I’ve dated. I hate to keep moving forward if having a family is out of the question, but I’m devastated at the thought of not being with him. What should I do?—CH

    The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
 
We always hear that relationships are hard work and they require compromise.

Sometimes it all comes down to how much we’re willing to actually compromise to make it work. We all have our ideal world in our heads involving the perfect house, the perfect car, or the perfect family. Sometimes we get those things and sometimes we don’t.

The four of us can type all day long to answer your question, but in reality, only you know the real answer. If you want to be with this person, then be with this person. If having a family is more important to you than being with this person, then you have to move on to search for Mr. Right who can give you what you are looking for. Just remember it’s only been six months. People change their minds about many issues over time. I know I have and I’ll guess you have as well. Be honest with your boyfriend. Instead of thinking you’re the one who has to do all the compromising for the sake of your relationship, remember there are two of you going through this, so do it together.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’m online dating and I’ve met the standard amount of freaks, guys looking to cheat on their wives, and jerks who just want to get laid. I’ve met some nice guys too. But I’ve noticed that after a few dates with someone nice who shows some promise, he gets back online—even though we’re still going out and things seem to be going well. (I only know he’s online because I go on to look at his pics again and read his profile—dorky to admit, but true.) I’m not looking for commitment after the third or fourth date; I guess I just hoped that after a few quality dates, guys might be interested in focusing on one person and less likely to still troll for women. It really kills the momentum in my opinion. I feel deflated when I go on to look at my crush and see, “Online now!” Any thoughts?—SB

    The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
 
As you know, with online dating you get the whole kit and caboodle—freaks, jerks, nice guys, etc.

Despite what these sites may be selling you, online dating doesn’t have any more or any less quality people than you can meet anywhere else in this world, so take it for what it is—another avenue to meet people. Perhaps you’ve started to learn how to be more discerning so that you can at least bring the freak show to a minimum.

As for your “nice guys” who go back online. Well, you’re back online too, right? Granted you say it’s just because you are checking up on them. Okay, sure. But, you are back online. Maybe they’re also checking on you? Or maybe they’re on there to get more dates or just to read your profile again to gain more insight into you? Who knows? You shouldn’t really care.

You should view online dating under the same standards as real world dating. If you had a few good dates with someone you met offline, would you have any way of knowing if that person was looking for or even dating other people? Probably not. A few dates doesn’t mean you have any sort of commitment, and neither you nor your dating partner has any right to ask the other not to date other people until one of you expresses the desire for exclusivity. A few dates seems a bit premature to do that.

Another flaw in online dating is that it provides so many dating choices that people using dating services may never feel like settling down. Why wouldn’t you think there might be greener grass out there when you see pages and pages of available folks every time you click “search?”

You’ll just have to deal with this online dating thing until you do meet a guy who wants to run off—and log off—with you.

Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.